You may have heard that the first 5 years .of our lives are the most important. But why are the years that most of us don’t remember so critical? Our experiences during those early years shape who we are and affect how we see ourselves and how we express and regulate our emotions. Experiencing adverse childhood experiences during those years could manifest into deep-rooted issues that shape our adult life and lead to the development of maladaptive coping strategies (e.g., substance abuse, binge eating, procrastination, intrusive thoughts, sexual promiscuity etc.).
“If the parents get the first 5 years right, they can relax, if they don’t, they’ll be practicing remedy or parenting for decades.” (Gabor Mate)
Another important reason why the first five years are so crucial is the development of attachment and the formation of our attachment style that determines how we connect with other people throughout our lives and how we behave in those relationships.
There are four attachment styles:
Secure
Anxious (Preoccupied)
Avoidant (Dismissive)
Fearful (Disorganized)
Secure Attachment Style
People with a Secure Attachment Style:
Have a positive view of themselves and others
Feel safe in their relationships and trust people
Are comfortable with intimacy and closeness
Are emotionally connected with themselves
Are understanding of the needs and emotions of others
Form strong attachments in adulthood with ease
Understand the value of relationships and seek out support without becoming too dependent on other people
People who approach relationships with uncertainty and fear of being rejected or abandoned have formed one of the three Insecure Attachment Styles:
Anxious Attachment Style
People with an Anxious Attachment Style:
Have a negative view of self
Are preoccupied with their relationships and constantly worry that their partner or others will leave them
Constantly seek out approval and reassurance from others
Are overly dependent on their partners and find it challenging to make their own decisions
Engage in protest behaviour to reestablish the connection with their partner
Experience emotional highs & lows
Are often described as ‘clingy’ and ‘needy’ by their partner
Avoidant Attachment Style
People with an Avoidant Attachment Style :
Have a positive view of self
Need to feel independent and self-sufficient
Suppress their feelings and needs
Find it challenging to form relationships with others
Don’t trust others and don’t believe that their needs can get met in relationships
Engage in deactivating strategies to avoid emotional closeness and intimacy
Fearful Attachment Style
This attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. People with a Fearful Attachment Style:
Have a negative view of self
Have a deep fear of relationships
Experience inner conflict – they want to connect with others but avoid closeness at all costs
Find it difficult to regulate their emotions
Experience extreme mood changes
May display unpredictable and volatile behaviours
Display heightened sexual behaviour
We all get affected by our early experiences to a certain extent. How these experiences continue to influence us can be difficult to comprehend. I help my clients explore the long-lasting impact of their early childhood experiences. Moreover, I help them examine their relationship with their parents, as this relationship is a significant predictor of their adult attachment style. I also help clients identify their attachment style, and we explore how it shows up in their relationships by analyzing their ways of interacting and behaving in those relationships.
Please contact me directly to schedule a free 30-minute introductory session to find out if I’m the right person to help you improve your relationships with people in your life.
Check out these two books for more information about attachment styles:
Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller (2011). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love.
David Howe (2011). Attachment across life course.
Diane Poole Heller (2019). The Power of Attachment.
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